Life lived ‘This’ way is better than traditional hindsight

It took me awhile to finally come around after being married to a die-hard fan of country music, but it’s official: I’m on board. This, of course, is in large part due to my main man, Darius Rucker. (And yes, you better believe he was the lead singer of ‘Hootie & the Blowfish‘). On his latest album, ‘Charleston, SC 1966,’ there’s a particular song that’s resonated with me quite a bit as of late called ‘This.’ Give it a listen and you might see why. Besides being catchy and having a nice feel-good vibe to it, there is something about its premise that keeps resurfacing in my brain. Consider the following part of the lyrics for a moment:

I don’t really know how I got here
But I’m so glad that I did
And it’s crazy to think that one little thing
Could have changed all of it
Maybe it didn’t turn out like I planned
Maybe thats why I’m such, such a lucky man

It’s so easy to hold on to a treasure trove of regrets. It take little to no effort to second-guess your decisions and question all you’ve chosen to do. But be honest with yourself for a minute and ask yourself the following question: Why? Where does it get you, really? If you truly made a big mistake at some point, then sure, you should use that mistake as a learning tool and avoid making the same blunder the next time. But the truth of the matter is that when you take a moment to investigate the bigger picture that surrounds you, there’s something spectacular about where you’re at right now, at this moment of time in your life. Revel in the fact you are who you are because of all the events that, as Rucker says, led you here to ‘This.’

When I reflect on where I am right now, there are definitely things I wish I would’ve already accomplished. In fact, there is a lot I feel like I should have and could have already done that, given the opportunity, I would seize now. Had I done some of those things though, I certainly would not be who I am today. Detours are often the most scenic of roads traveled, and thanks to the one I’ve taken, I can’t help but feel like I’m better because of it.

Hindsight is said to be 20/20, and while I completely agree, it might be for slightly different reasoning. Hindsight is 20/20 because of how it can confirm who we are going forward. It tests our adaptability and gives us a chance to more clearly chart out the path that lies ahead. Regrets need not be the anchor that keep our ship from sailing off toward the horizon and into the exciting unknown. Why not embrace the journey as it presently exists? There’s no reason ‘This’ part of your adventure has to play like some crappy, watered-down sequel. Heck, Rucker seems to have done pretty well for himself post-’Hootie.’ Why can’t you do the same? I know I’m going to try.

Use your peripheral vision and do what you can for one

I’ve worked in the media world now for a good five years now (and probably twice that in Internet years). Through that time, I’ve watched countless stories cause buzz, I’ve seen others bring on an overwhelming sense of despair, I’ve seen the absurd and just about everything in between. In the last month or so though, amidst numerous flurries of tornadoes and other natural disasters, one thing has become certain: I have to take a moment to step back and deal with the simple, more immediate aspects of life. Otherwise, the reality of some of the more unsettling news and events start to take their toll on me.

Not all that long ago, when Becca (my wife) dipped our toes at the possibility of looking into adoption, a person we were inquiring with about the process made it very clear: “You don’t have to feel like you need to succumb to a bleeding heart.” Perhaps, at first, that statement sounds a little cruel, but the reality is that it rings with logic and wisdom. We can’t save or rescue every kid out there in need of a hero, and more importantly, a loving and devoted family. I wish it were true, but it’s simply not possible. Most of us don’t have the ways or means to do so. But there are others, assuming they feel led to do so, that might be able to salvage the life of one of those children who would have otherwise been left behind and forgotten. On a more national scale, the same thing goes for the vast amount of need those in the Midwest and South have as they have been unfairly forced to deal with the magnitude of devastation the recent tornadoes have caused.

Does that mean we do nothing but sit on the sidelines and ignore the suffering all around us? Absolutely not. That would be selfish. We just need to narrow our focus and start strategically using our peripheral vision.

It’s one thing to give money to a good cause. Turn on the news for five minutes and you’ll undoubtedly see a multitude of needs, all surely to benefit from a little extra money at their disposal or volunteer help. But what about your neighbor? How are they doing? Perhaps you have a relative or acquaintance in desperate need of a helping hand. Or, maybe your local church or soup kitchen is understaffed and they need the manpower in order to effectively deal with an onslaught of needs they can’t meet otherwise. The list goes on and on. And yet, it’s so easy to ignore our immediate surroundings and only focus our resources, efforts and energy on the things in which we have little to no control over. Keep that up on a daily, minute-by-minute basis and I can assure you, you’ll drive yourself crazy. I’ve come close to doing it myself on many occasions.

In other words, let me end by answering the following question: What then are we supposed to do about all the suffering that pervades the world around us? Nothing. Not entirely anyways. Instead, use your peripheral vision and do what you can for one. Give the best part of yourself to the areas in your life and community where you can have the most meaningful impact and later, change the world for the better with what you have left.

Legacies are better wounded

Wounds can leave a lasting impact on our view of life. Many of us probably wake up each morning, take a moment to stare at the ceiling, and wonder: Will life look like anything different than what it looked like yesterday, or roughly the same as it always does? Do I have a reason to be hopeful about today, or will I be burned like I was the day prior? Interestingly enough, those questions likely cause two very different responses. For some people, those questions give them a rush, an anticipation for the day that couples with a renewed sense of suspense and vitality each and every morning. But for others, those same questions provide a very different response … one of fear, or insecurity, and in more cases than we probably realize, pain … torment even. Whatever the case might be, it begs the following statement: Our wounds carve out our reality. Our past experiences provide varying answers to some of life’s biggest questions.

My dad grew up without a father. For some reason, when my dad was five years old, his old man decided he wanted nothing to do with him. So what’d that man do? He got up, turned his back on his family and walked away. When I think of the thought process that must’ve been going through his mind at this time, I am in disbelief. Really? He couldn’t man up and take on his responsibility? He didn’t want to stick around and see what my dad as well as his other son and daughter would grow up and become? I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me mad. And yet, as I take a moment to step back and look at the big picture, I can see something beautiful about the whole situation.

My dad is by no means a perfect man. He’d be the first one to tell you that very truth himself. But despite the pain he’s obviously experienced throughout his life, one thing is certain: He’s pushed past the pain of an absentee father and made something of himself. He’s been married to my mom for 35 years as of this coming Saturday and raised three kids in the process–all of us who have since gotten married, committed our lives to Jesus Christ and started families of our own. Perhaps those few facts don’t blow you away as you read it, but if you had the privilege I have of seeing a man with the background and history of my dad’s grow up before your very eyes, all without ever ceasing to be my father in the process, you might think differently.

As I think what it would’ve been like to never have had a dad, I can’t help but be thankful. Unfortunately, for my dad, as well as millions of other children and adults around the world will never know what that’s like. Instead, they’re stuck with deep and painful wounds. For my dad, these have ranged anywhere from an overarching sense of personal insecurity and self-doubt, to a sheer feeling of agonizing curiosity as to why his dad left in the first place, and to everything in between. All things of which he’ll probably have to battle with the rest of his life. But it’s that same part of the story that remains so fascinatingly honorable.

Despite my dad’s personal demons, he continues to press on and live out the life that has been laid out before him as best as he knows how. It’s definitely not perfect, he will almost certainly have his setbacks and detours, but regardless of how his past wounds have altered his reality, for better or for worse, he continues to push forward and toward something better … a legacy his father never left him. In other words, while there are still times some 50 years later after his father disappeared where he feels hollow and empty inside, he has risen above it–never allowing those feelings to taint a life already filled with a litany of victories. And while there are countless questions that he’s yet to get answers for, it’s clear … the answers have become far less important.

Don’t let your wounds keep you from a life well lived. My dad surely hasn’t, and there’s no reason you need to either.

Getting ‘Lost’ all over again

It hasn’t even been a year since ‘Lost‘ left us, and yet, here I am, starting my journey from the time the survivors crashed on the island to ‘The End.’ Some might call it fanatical. Some might even go as far as to say it is a complete waste of time. But despite the naysayers, I can’t help but be pulled in once again.

Have you ever actually sat down to consider what it would be like to crash on an island in the middle of nowhere AND with a group of people you don’t even know? At first, it sounds silly to even consider because, let’s be honest, this will, in all likelihood, never happen. But take a moment and honestly ask yourself the following question: What if you did crash? What if, regardless of what your vices are or what you’ve done in your past, you were given the chance to reinvent yourself and move forward with a past that has both literally and figuratively been completely erased and burned. For many people, the reaction to that thought is probably one of two things: It’s either mysteriously exciting or utterly terrifying. That said, I would venture to say that on further investigation of ourselves, virtually all of us, deep down, find something extremely fascinating by the thought.

As I watch through ‘Lost’ again, fully knowing what lies at the end of the six season series, the thing that resonates with me more than anything else is the characters themselves. They’re absolutely captivating. Layer after layer, episode after episode, their humanity becomes more and more apparent. Skeletons and all, everything about them is laid out in front of us, and yet, we can’t help but be enamored by every one of their own personal journeys. In other words, despite all the strange and mystifying things that happen on the island, ‘Lost’ is only really about one thing: the individuals. And in retrospect, it’s an absolutely beautiful portrayal.

So what would you do if you crashed on an island with no history to speak of and no knowledge of who these people are that you’re supposed to strive to survive with? Who really knows. But one thing is for certain, you’d still be you. Scars and all. You can’t run from who you were made to be. You can only improve on it … or detract from it depending on the choices you make.

As hard as it might be to believe, there’s only one you. Society might try to tell you otherwise, but its message runs hollow. The journey you’re on is your own, don’t let society mold you into something you’re not.

Consider the metaphor: Life is kind of like the island in ‘Lost.’ There may be countless questions we might not ever get answers for, and a lot of what we experience throughout our time might not even make sense, but we can take heart–those things ultimately won’t matter in the end. Our story isn’t about ‘what-ifs,’ it’s about ‘what is.’ Life should be about walking away from the wreckage of our past lives not necessarily to change who we are, but to capitalize on how we were designed and transform us into something better. So get ‘Lost’ already!

Overcoming the “I’ll” complex

Let me state the obvious: Life can lose its zest sometimes. You can feel on top of the world and in control of your destiny one day, and in what can be a matter of weeks, or in some cases even days, it’s gone. Your hopes and dreams can vanish in the blink of an eye.

That’s where I was the last couple of weeks. Feeling down, and dare I say, a little depressed. (Just last Thursday even, I was thinking about writing a blog post, but just didn’t ‘feel’ it, and opted not to). And yet, after some prayer and reflection the last couple of days, something changed. What exactly you ask? Well, that’s the thing, I don’t know entirely … there’s numerous forces at work. That said, I do know of one very specific reason I can confidently say contributed to the change.

The reality of this life is that sometimes unexpected and, oftentimes, unfortunate circumstances can hit a person on the back of the head. I say back of the head because frequently, you can’t ever see them coming. The key is how we react when they come our way and who we team up with to take them on.

My wife Becca is a fantastic example of this: Her peace and calmness is unparalleled. Something breaks or starts to fall apart? Doesn’t matter, “we’ll” fix it. Unexpected costs pop up for something we didn’t expect or plan for? Relax, “we’ll” figure it out. Overwhelmed by the vast amount of unfinished projects? Let’s prioritize, “we’ll” get to them eventually. Picking up the theme yet? “We’ll” do or go through it, together. I don’t have to take on life alone … even though it feels like it sometimes.

Far too many times than I want to count, I’ve tried to do that very thing–do life alone.

I have extremely high expectations for myself. When I think I’m failing at something or missing the mark somewhere in the big picture, it hits me hard. I am constantly thinking of ways I can improve myself. I read tons of books. I pray for answers. I am constantly trying to figure out what my strengths are while simultaneously striving to discover my niche, and the unfortunate reality of it all is that sometimes, even my best efforts are, for lack of a better word, fruitless. And then I glance over at my wife and think to myself, I must’ve done something right … Becca loves me anyway … and so do my family and friends.

Have you ever felt isolated? Made big plans for how grand your life should be, only to fall flat on your face in what was one of your first steps toward realizing that vision? I have, frequently, and yet, I continue to find a way to get back up. You’ve heard the saying: get knocked down seven times, get up eight. For many of us, that probably feel generous, we’ve been knocked down what feels like seventy seven times, and it’s getting more and more tough to get up for number seventy eight. And that’s where it’s imperative we find someone to get behind us and help us stand back up. I mean, shoot, boxers only get three knockdowns before the refs end the fight and declare a TKO … and the truth of the matter is that you’re in for about a thousand TKOs. Don’t try to fight through those odds alone.

So let me bring it back to my point.

There’s no way to predict or foresee everything that lies ahead of you. You’ll have times where you’re down–where life sucks, and everyone and everything seems like it’s against you. Be prepared for it. If you find yourself overwhelmed by your circumstances or disappointed with where you’re at with your career and/or life in general, find solace in someone that loves and cares for you. They may not always have the answers you’re looking for, and honestly, there may be questions you have they’ll never be able to answer. But what they can provide is so much more: a listening ear and a faithful companion that will help you navigate through the murky, sometimes dark, and often frustrating waters we call life. “We’ll” get the things done I probably never will.

Think ‘one sentence’ first, paragraphs later

As someone that loves to write, sadly, this is my first post in a LONG time. Why you ask? Well, I’d like to say I was just too busy. Overwhelmed with work. Too busy living the life even. But the truth of the matter? I’ve let the idea of ‘go big or go home’ get the best of me. Add that with a healthy dose of fear of being too vulnerable or ‘real,’ mix it all together, and the result? A whole lot of nothing. And yet, tonight, as I was sitting here strongly debating if I should dust off the ol’ blog, I knew it was time to embrace the unknown and give my routine a swift kick to the back of the head.

How often do you sit back and refuse to move forward for fear of falling flat on your face? I can imagine that most, if not all, people do this at one point or another. But then there’s a group of people who simply never do. And its those people I simply can’t figure out … their ability to take risks and conquer practically anything they touch is unparalleled.

Of course, when I sit back and really try and ponder all the reasons for their success, I can’t help but come back to two things: confidence and an identity. People that regularly do big things know, without a shred of doubt, who they are and what they’re all about. It’s the ‘one sentence’ concept. Can you do it? I know it’s something I’ve struggled with for quite sometime. (Heck, run-on sentences and I have been best friends for as long as I can remember.) But if you allow yourself a moment to think about it and ponder that very thing, you might be surprised at how much focus your life takes on. Of course … then comes the paragraph.

The rain shouldn’t rob us of our moments

For what’s seemed like months now, it’s been raining here. Each morning, I rise, I take a moment to stretch, I kiss my wife and daughter, and then, I walk over to the window and lift up the shades in hopes of seeing, if ever so fleeting, a simple glimmer of sunshine. I glance out the window, and in a matter of seconds, my expectations and hopes are immediately quelled with the reality that it’s gray and wet … again … Day 47 passes with more of the same. And yet, I can’t help but be affirmed that at some point the weather will in fact flip, and the beautiful summer weather will be in full swing.

Throughout the last few months of what could easily be the wettest spring I’ve ever experienced, I’ve come to realize I simply can’t allow myself to be sucked in and eventually toppled by my surroundings–especially when, more often than not, I can’t control them. But despite this realization, I am often pulled in regardless, and paralyzed as a direct result.

Can you relate?

When I take a moment and pause to look at all that’s happening around me, I am often in utter disbelief. There’s so much pain. So much struggle. I look at my family and friends, and though I may sense they’re overwhelmed with their situation, I’m at a loss for how I can help them. Consequently, the longer and more frequent these disheartening circumstances go on, the more disillusioned and discouraged one can become.

The truth of the matter is we simply cannot fix everything. We cannot make everyone feel better, no matter how overcome with the desire we may be. But what we can do, if we’re willing, is to be the best and most effective versions of who we are.

I truly believe that God endows us all with a special set of skills and talents that make us uniquely effective in whatever we decide to do with our life. In moments of trying times and great distress, while we may not be able to make everything perfect, we can play a significant role in beating back the times in life that so often threaten to swallow us up in a wave of negativity and helplessness. We can serve our function, take a step back, and allow others to serve theirs. We do not have the ability to solve everyone’s problems.

Like I’ve experienced firsthand as of late, many of my family and friends are hurting. And as much as it pains me to admit, virtually all of it is beyond my ability to solve and control the outcome. Life can be so unforgiving, and I hate to see the people I care for the most be overcome by the pressures of it. That said, I’ve also realized that through it all, the best thing I can do is to knowingly wait to be of service.

If the opportunity presents itself, I need to know what I’m capable of and be willing to seize on the factors I can change at a moment’s notice. Some of the most defining moments in our life will present themselves at the most inopportune and inconvenient times. If ever there were a time when we can actually control the outcome and change the futures of those we care about, it’s then. To let those times pass us by without stepping in to redirect them for the better is to allow ourselves to let apathy have its way with us and render our life meaninglessness. It’s a farce we cannot let stand.

I get tired of constant rain. When it’s June and it’s supposed to be sunny with blue skies, it’s downright depressing to open my blinds and immediately be drowned in a wall of gray and drizzle. But despite my displeasure with the day’s weather conditions, the thought that always keeps me afloat is this: The sun will return again. If I’m not ready to take advantage of it when it finally arrives, it’s gone, and in the matter of what could be a day, it’s like the sun was never even there. In other words, while I cannot decide how long the rain will stick around, I can decide how much of the sun I’ll soak up when it appears.

You cannot fix everything. Don’t try and convince yourself that you can. You’ll be sorely disappointed and discouraged at what you discover. Be the best version of you that you can be, and your efforts to help those in need will be richly rewarded.